stitches
“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
Alexandria
i've got a closet filled up to the brim with the ghost of my past and the skeletons
June 17, 2015
flashlight
“i got all i need when i got you and i. i look around me and see a sweet life. i’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight. you’re getting me, getting me through the night. can’t stop my heart when you’re shining in my eyes, can’t lie, it’s a sweet life. i’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight. you’re getting me, getting me through the night.”
May 29, 2015
lambs become lions
you win some, you lose some. that’s life.
everything fell into place. i still don’t really know how it happened but it did. everything just worked out. i used to think that if i wanted to be happy, i had to give everything else up. but now i realise that it didn’t matter whether i lost things or not. because at the end of the day always put yourself first. and if you lose something then i guess you’re prolly just better off without it. the last few weeks were just full of ups and downs and i did feel like stabbing myself half the time but at the end of the day, you always learn a few things after falling down so many times.
1. you faced your problems
2. you stood up for yourself
3. you chose you
and because of that, i’m proud of u lex. good job :”)))
i think i’m kinda dumb. like not study dumb but just dumb in general. it really wasn’t till recently that i realised how many things i missed and how it all kinda just messed everything up. please just know that i never intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. and if i ever did anything it was because i really know. i mean people kinda need to stop assuming that i get hints and that i know shit BECAUSE I REALLY DON’T. like i will legit not get what you’re driving at unless u literally spell it out for me i’m sorry i’ll try to step up my generally knowledge and people skills game.
i used to think it was a good thing but lately i think i should just stop trying to see the best in people. you’d think i learn my lesson but no. i guess some people just really aren’t worth it and somethings just aren’t worth saving. i’m always gonna be here if u need me but other than that i’m sorry but i don’t think i can do this anymore. i can’t keep trying and getting shot down. it’s too hard and i just don’t know how much more i can take.
i’m gonna stop apologising for trying to be happy. because at the end of the day that’s the thing that matters the most. and i’m sick of not being happy.
it’s ok if it still hurts. as long as you know that you’re fine.
i don’t ignore it because i still care. i ignore it because i don’t think it’s worth acknowledging. a couple of months ago i would have done anything to save it. but now i’m sorry but i just really don’t care anymore. you’re not worth the trouble. just kinda needed to set that straight. i’m not pretending you don’t exist because i can’t deal. i’m doing it because i don’t want to deal. and i don’t want to deal because it’s not worth the effort.
i stopped caring what people thought and started putting myself first. and that’s easily one of the best decisions i ever made in my entire life.
“just fall into place and you’ll fall into me.”
May 10, 2015
be honest
no regrets about binge watching season 6 of the vampire diaries. sing cam can wait.
“it shouldn’t be this hard.”
go ahead lex. count the number of lies you’ve told this week. including the ones that you constantly tell yourself. i’m not asking you to face anything. i’m just asking you to be honest. because you deserve at least that.
“because i’m clearly doing it wrong.”
“you think that you don’t deserve something so you ruin it.”
caroline, rebekah, bonnie.
May 9, 2015
cinderblock garden
no better time to blog than at 2 am.
hardwell was amazing. and i absolutely love how grootcult just does everything on budget but that kinda just made it even better. wouldn’t exactly say that i went for the music because honestly we all know i just needed something to occupy my mind.
i try so hard to put everyone first and i try so hard to please people but what does that all boil down to? and is it really worth it when you’re the one that just ends up stuck there sulking in self pity? i’ve gone through and i’ve given up so much. i’ve done everything that i know how so would someone please just tell me what more i need to do before i get to be happy.
“i can’t do more. i shouldn’t have to.”
“i thought you learned your lesson but apparently you didn’t. you’re just as stupid as before and in a way, you deserve this.”
i tried to be forgiving and i tried to be understanding but enough is enough. and as much as i did try to protect and stand up for you before i can’t do that anymore. it’s not worth the trouble. i want to help you i really do. but i can’t if you don’t help yourself. so maybe the next time you feel like doing or saying something, you should think about the people you might hurt. stop only thinking about yourself. because that’s the kind of thing that got you stuck in this mess in the first place. it’s just a piece of advice and you obviously don’t have to listen. but this is the last time i’m gonna try to help you. because i can’t keep doing this.
maybe if i knew then what i know now things would have turned out differently. i can’t control how people behave. and i can’t control what they say or do. i can only apologise on their behalf and hope that it’s enough. and if it isn’t then i’m sorry. but i guess things really aren’t as easy as they seem. there was a whole other side that i didn’t know about and now that i do, i get it. maybe i should have listened. and maybe i shouldn’t have gotten involved. but then again now that i am, i would say that i regret it. but i don’t. i may not have anything to show for it but i came out the other end a different person. some people may not think that it’s a good change but that doesn’t matter. what matters is that i like who i am now. and as messed up as my life is, this is exactly the way it’s suppose to be.
“after all, things have a way of working themselves out.”
i’m not angry.
and i’m not hateful.
i’m just kinda tired of people leaving.
but one good thing did come out of this tho. you’re no longer the biggest blockade in my life anymore. i didn’t think i had anything else to lose until i lost somethings that meant more to me than u ever did. i guess i broke down the walls you made me build. and i put up new ones of my own. i stopped worrying about things that didn’t need to be worried about. and i got over it.
and i’ll get over this too.
i always do.
“you keep me safe. keep me sane. keep me honest.”
April 12, 2015
Perth, Western Australia
“the world is a book. and those who don’t travel only read one page of it.”
Day 1: Arrival
thank you to everyone that came to send us off even tho it was really early in the morning. it meant a lot to see all of y’all there. to see the people that really cared and really loved us.
this boy shaved and dressed up nice at 7 am in the morning just to send us off cause i told him to HAHAHAHA thank u for amusing me and for putting up with my shit :”)
“on top of the world, on top of it all, trying to feel invincible.
i’m dying on top of the world.”
every street was an ootd spot
Day 2: University of Western Australia
Day 3: Exploring the streets of Perth
“i fell in love with the art the way i fell in love with you.”
actually really miss the coffee in Perth. 3 weeks without starbucks wasn’t that bad hahaha
Day 4: Fremantle
“i have legs but my soul longs for the waves and a tail.”
easily one of the most beautiful towns that i have even been to. from the beaches to the trees, it was pure bliss and beauty.
Day 5 and 6: Shopping is my therapy
new shoes :”)
Day 7: Kings Park
possibly one of my favourite places that we visited on this trip. the trees were filled with life and the air with stories and history. if only my pictures could show you just how perfect King’s Park really was. least to say, it was fit for a king.
first group photo with the UWA fam bam
Day 8: Rottnest Island
they say you can’t visit Australia without a trip to a beach. with a history almost as dark as my soul, Rottnest hides it well with it’s clear waters, windy coasts and adorable free roaming quokkas.
Day 9 and 10: Museums and class on campus
Day 11: Good Friday
smashed my phone screen but it’s all good. managed to get a replacement phone at AUS$149 so thank you Apple.
specially thanks to Naad for the henna that is almost as pretty as you :”)
embracing Australia and becoming bush women with my bae
also, thank u to Naad’s aunt and uncle who so graciously had us over for an authentic Australian “barbie”
Day 12: Perth Zoo
Day 13: Penguin Island
sadly these were the only penguins that we saw on penguin island. the irony was real.
shot credits to my bae choobanator :”)
Day 14: More museums, more classes
going to Australia meant that i could wear outfits that people in Singapore would judge me for :”)))
also, had an impromptu hair dyeing session because we were bored af :”)
Day 15: Swanbourne supermarket and our last lesson in UWA
purple hair phase 1
“ripped jeans, new boots. denim jacket, all good.”
hair dyeing part 2 for tesia, basil, daryl and also operation change my hair from blueish purple to legit just purple
Day 16: Last full day in Perth
had a gr8 last dinner in Perth at Jamie’s Italian. it was expensive af but the food was worth it.
also, the attractive waiters and waitresses got me like ^^^
ended the day with a gr8 “fruity night” :”)))
Day 17: Matilda Bay
literally spent our last few hours in Perth taking pictures at the famous Crawley Edge Boatshed.
to my tesia bae, thank you for everything over the last 18 days. i know we kinda drifted in sem 2 and i’m so glad we got the chance to get closer again. i know you’ll always be there for me and i know that with everything you do, you’re always just looking out for me so thank you. just know that i’ll always be here for you too. no matter what you want to talk about and no matter the time. and if i’m asleep and don’t pick up, keep calling cause i eventually will hahaha. can’t wait for year 2 and more adventures with you. u bae girl u bae.
big thanks to mama shan as well for taking care of tesia and i. for cooking us dinner and making sure that we’re all up and on time for class hehehe
also thanks to these two boys who never fail to make me laugh and who always somehow manage to make my awkward and unglam face look decent in photos HAHAHA to all the guys, thanks for tolerating my nonsense and for putting up with me when i would go to your room in search of food. thanks for always being there to listen when i would need to rant and for just being such great company. many loves for y’all
“and no matter where she goes, a part of her will always remain.”
perth was an experience that i will never forget and thank you to each and everyone of you for being a part of it. no words can be used to describe how much i love and appreciate you guys. there were unlucky moments where we all just stood there trying to figure out what to do and there were also great moments where we just couldn’t stop laughing. thanks for the late night movies and walks. thanks for the memories i’ll never forget and thanks for all the firsts that i experienced. especially our fruity nights :”))) HAHAHA y’all were everything i could have asked for and more. so here’s to us, the CMMxUWA2015 fam bam.
“people try to change cities, but i think the city changed me.”
this trip was really the getaway that i needed. i needed to step back and leave the world behind. i needed to forget my problems and pretend that everything was alright even tho it was kind of short lived. i don’t know what changed in me but i’m thinking of doing things that i never thought i would be strong enough to do, and i’m thinking of going places that i’d never dreamed would be possible. but then again, now that i’m back, these problems don’t seem as big. they don’t seem as painful. some are almost, irrelevant. so when i say that i left apart of me in perth, i’d like to think that i left behind the part of me that cared too much. the part of me that was afraid of what people thought. the part was me that was hurt and broken. the part of me that didn’t know how to be happy. the part of me that tried too hard. i left behind that part of me that wasn’t me.
so thank you perth, and till we meet again my love.
Alexandria 